Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

I am a friend when you need me. I am a hook up when no one else is available.  I am the girl you want when you're rejected by the first choice. The outsider to everyone in my life. Never been apart of the inner circle. I am the person that's easy to pick on. I am the one to blame. I can make you laugh when we are hanging out. I put everyone first. I would never treat anyone the way I am treated. But I still always get hurt. I am the last resort when everyone else is busy. I send you a message and all of a sudden you want to hang out. Probably because your plans fell through and you can leave the house. I sit on my phone seeing the stories of everyone out and having fun. While I am in bed rotting away binging a tv show in the dark in my room. My room is my solitude and my safe space. It is where I always am. Before work, after work, and on my days off. Unless I make a plan with you, we would never hang out. I get a lot of I will let you know or I have to check and see. Most of t...

 "Now you can just focus on yourself" That's the line a woman always gets when they get rejected or broken up with. Do men get this line told them? Probably not. It's very frustrating to hear this being told you over and over again. Since the dating scene now is all hook up culture and situationships. I spent years focusing on myself. Going through a horrible break up with a mentally abusive man, it kind of forces you to work on yourself and discover who you are. I know who I am and I'm proud of the work I put in for myself. That's why I decided it was time to date. I didn't even attempt to kiss or hook up or date during those years. It truly was all about me. I am ready for that new relationship because I dated myself. Dating yourself is a beautiful way to discover who you are as a person. I can take care of myself and make myself happy. I am my own provider. A relationship, for me, is more about connection and romance. A partnership. But I have tried and...

  It’s hard when you realize you’re the forgotten friend   The one your friends always forget about   The “you can come if you want” or the "we figured you'd be at work" Always an after thought to them. You always think about including them in your plans. Worrying if they actually like you or not. The constant trying to please them. Doubting everything about yourself because why do they not like you. It's difficult to think about how you're always the one on the outside. Finding out everything last. The opened and read messages with no response. Do I even have friends? Am I just tolerated because they pity me? Do they feel sad for me because I am always alone. Being left out and seeing the stories on social media. The happy faces in photos and the laughter in videos. I sit at home typing sad poems and writing in journals how I feel alone. Sometimes I feel like I have no friends. I lay in bed at night thinking about how if I died tonight would anyone show up to my ...

  My biggest fear is death. I know everyone technically fears it.  But I overthink and obsess over it. I lay in bed at night scared to fall asleep because what if I do and don’t wake up. Would I want to go peacefully in my sleep? Would I want to know that I’m dying and be there in the moments of my last breath. I eat food and as I eat I tell myself smaller bites and chew it fully.  I don’t want to choke.  Driving my car the thoughts of all the accidents that could possibly happen rush through my mind. I sit and watch tv and get mild panic attacks thinking about I could just die right now. Heart attack, stroke, or aneurism. What if I am getting cancer right now, and I have no idea. I also have a fear of not being in control.  Maybe that’s why I fear death so much. No one has control over it. Sometimes there’s thoughts of dying where I am in control of it.  That scares me. I sometimes can’t believe I think that way but when I’m depressed I spiral. Death is my...

  I guess I’m a romantic Never thought I was that type of girl But now all I want is someone to love  Well someone who can give love in return  I have so much love to give  When I like someone I give 100 percent  But I realize with most guys that doesn’t mean anything for them 

  Maybe I’m not suppose to end up with anyone. People say I’m being dramatic. But I feel like it might be true.  I think I have a soul mate. But they’re my best friend.  Maybe I don’t have the love of my life out there, I’m realizing it more and more  So many guys are emotionally unavailable  Or they aren’t “good enough” for me,  So they say. But maybe it’s me? Maybe I’m not good enough for them because I’m not suppose to be with anyone in the end.