Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  You can’t see that I’m the girl for you, Too busy looking for a pretty face.  You say you don’t have a type  Except you actually do.  You don’t look for a soul  You only look at the vessel.  Deep conversations and understanding who you truly are mean nothing to you. You will give your body to a girl freely  but you’ve given bits and pieces of your soul and mind to me. You won’t open your mind to the possibilities that everyone else can see.  Everyone sees the potential we have and how close we’ve grown. But whenever our vines intertwine you break away and let me shrivel up.  Until your guilt creeps in, when you need me to rescue you out of a situation.  You rely on my kindness and drain up every ounce of happiness I hold for us.  I have a glimmer of hope that you could change your mind.  We take three steps forward then you take 5 steps back.  You want me to be of service for you, A girlfriend on a friendship budget....

  If a tree falls and no one is around Does it still make a sound? If I was lost would I be found? The anxiety I have makes my heart pound. Would my friends even care if I stopped reaching out. While I sit alone in my room and pout. Trying to figure out what my life is about. Crying in my room and all I want to do is shout. I feel like no one would miss me. If they are lock, I am not their key. People might notice I am gone at some degree. Maybe if I ran away and flee it will guarantee That I will finally feel happy and free.

You like when I give you attention. You don’t want me but want my affection. When I drift away you give me breadcrumbs. I think there could be a chance and I know that’s dumb. Our friendship was built on trust. But what people don’t know is that it started with lust. Maybe I am just being used. People are tired of seeing me in my melancholy moods. Maybe it’s all in my head? The late nights and staying over in your bed. The cuddling and caring that was never said.   I wanted you and but you strung me along and fled. I worry and care about you deeply. But the truth is you never even wanted me. You don’t like when I give my attention to another. I go around and say that you’re like a little brother. I think back at moments we shared. The times I thought you truly cared. I think I had a fantasy of how we would be. Because I know I am not the girl you want to see.

Every time I think i'm doing fine. The rug keeps being pulled from under me. The universe doesn’t want me to be happy in mine. I just want to feel happy. Should it feel this difficult to be living life? I just get filled with negativity and strife. I explode with emotions screaming and crying. Nobody sees me this way, they only see me when I am smiling. I push myself to be the happy girl. The one every wants to see in the world. Do Not Disturb turned on. Seeing who messages me while I am gone. I know I will look in an hour and nothing will be there. People pleasing everyone even though nobody cares. I am hurting so much and no one can even see. No one understands that I hate being me.