Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  I hate how well you understand me. I hate your stupid smile.  I hate how you make me laugh.  I hate how hours with you feel like minutes. I hate how you know when I’m cranky. I hate how you know the difference between all my cranky sides.  I hate how you’re always helping me. I hate how I’m always helping you.  I hate how our vibes match.  I hate how we can roast each other. I hate how it’s weird when we compliment each other. I hate how you like musical almost as much as I do. I hate how we would be perfect together. I hate how you don’t see it.  I hate how you don’t think I’m pretty.  I hate how I’m not your type.  I hate that you’re leaving me.  I hate you for making me care about you.  I hate how you won’t miss me. I hate how I’ll cry over you. I hate how you don’t want me at all. 

  I’ve shown my body more than I’ve received     flowers. It’s funny because I hate my body.  I am only lusted after which is crazy because I know I’m not the ideal body type.  I’m a romantic in an age of hook ups.  I will never win at love in this life.  The men I am interested in would never go for a girl like me. They want me as their friend though,  so I’m not out of their life.  They like me enough to keep me around and to hang out with them when they don’t have a date.  I am an emotional support companion, I will never be the girlfriend in this life. 

I wish I knew why I hurt so much.   It feels like everything is pouring out of me.  I struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  I’ve lost my hope and motivation. I feel myself sinking into this pit and I’m trying to claw myself out.  I start to climb out and I always slip and go back down.  It gets harder to breathe down here. It’s getting darker the more I slide down. Can anyone hear me screaming for help? I feel like my screams are silent.  I just keep searching for a hand to grab to help me out of this pit.  But I know I won’t find one.  There’s no one out there looking for me. Im sliding deeper and deeper down. Maybe one day I  will be  strong enough to climb out.