Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  I confuse myself between loneliness and peace.   I enjoy my peace more than I should.  Yet I yearn to be wanted for time.  I can be in a crowded bar with friends and feel empty. I can be in a bar alone, reading a book and feel utter happiness. I can be out with close ones and be joyous and amused. I can sit in my room and feel a wave of self loathing. Can one be truly happy alone and also depressed?  Is it loneliness if you want to spend time with another but not want a relationship?  If I choose one path do I win or lose?  A soulmate should compliment me, not be a missing piece.  If I choose to be with someone, do I have to give up something I love?  I enjoy my loneliness, because my loneliness is also my peace.  I despise my loneliness for I feel discomfort and comfort while sitting alone with my thoughts.  Can I be lonely and at peace simultaneously? 

  I don’t think anyone’s life would be different if I left. I don’t think anyone would care. It wouldn’t change anything. Some people might be happier.  No longer around to be a nuisance. Constantly having to reply to my messages. They wouldn’t have to deal with my mood swings or my weird ticks.  They won’t have to deal with my constant need for their attention.  Giving so much to everyone and realizing they don’t even want it. I love too hard not just for potential partners but I love my friend too much.  I constantly give and give and I can tell they don’t want it.  I am the bane of their existence.  They pity me. They all know in lonely and my head is full of woe.  My melancholy thoughts never stop pouring in like a thunderstorm in my mind.  Everyone would be better off.  If I left them all behind. 

  I want to know why it’s so bad to like me? My situationships seems like it’s the worst thing to happen to them. It’s embarrassing to be with me? They don’t want to like me even though they do.  It’s terrible to have feeling for me and even worse to date me. What is wrong with me? Is it the way I look? I know I’m not the prettiest and skinniest girl out there, But am I really that bad to be seen with? Is my personality that terrible? Am I that much of a nerd about my fandoms that you don’t want to be seen with me? Why am I such a secret to be with?  Why do you not allow yourself to enjoy the moments we have now? Ruining them with your fear of falling for me? Even with you trying to hide it people can see the obvious.  You’re interested in me and everyone knows it. But for you it’s the worst thing to ever happen to you.  What is so bad about liking me? 

  I like me better without feelings. When I detach myself from everything. I hate catching feelings for someone. I don’t like the person that I become. I am usually a confident person.  When I start to fall, I fall hard. I get anxious and worried. I overthink and over love  I hurt myself in the long run. It’s better to not feel anything.  Expect the worst outcome,  It’s harder to let yourself get hurt that way. I get insecure about who I am.  That’s not me? Why is this happening? The bubbly, goofy girl becomes shy. I’m not shy though, I’m loud and outgoing  I catch feelings and silence myself.  Maybe it’s self sabotage? I have this wall I built and slowly bring it down But does it ever fully come down? I take away five bricks and then put three more back up.  I’m scared to let people in because I know I will get hurt.  I like me better without feelings.  And so does everyone else. 

  I just want to be someone’s first choice.   I don’t want to be the failsafe. I know I get breadcrumbed more than I want to admit. I get lusted after and told what I want to hear.  I know men can see how much love I give.  They are like dementors sucking the joy and happiness out of me. I am their emotional support person. They love the attention I give them They like having me be their girlfriend without the commitment. Giving them that relationship treatment without them even trying. Constantly giving me the bare minimum. I do this to myself. I give too much. I always give myself the sliver of hope that they will change their mind and want me.  But I know I’m not the girl they want.  There’s always a girl better than me.