Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  It’s a weird feeling when you feel your happiness slipping away. I can’t stop thinking about us, I think about you at the end of the day. I lay in bed with our last date just repeating in my head.  Wondering where it all went wrong and it fills my head with dread.  I know I can be needy and I need the constant reassurance.  Now you’re miles away and I hate how we have built this distance.  I keep wondering    if I am even a thought inside your mind.  I keep trying to be your friend and I just want us to be kind. I feel like I am a bother to you.  That you have better things to do. I am not telling you how you feel, I’m telling you my overthinking thoughts.  It’s not emotional manipulation, it’s insecurity and scared of your loss. But my insecurities and overthinking mind was something you couldn’t handle.  Now I just randomly cry and lay in a dark room staring at a candle. 

The drastic difference in my mental health between days is shocking. I had the energy, motivation, and drive yesterday. Today I can’t get myself to leave my room. Why do I struggle with wanting to what’s best for me. Do I not deserve it. Maybe I think I can’t do it. Why do I feel like I have no real friends. I feel like no one has time for me anymore. There is no one in my life who cares about me. That is what my mind is telling me. Yesterday I said who cares work on myself. Today I can’t even bring myself to do that. No one tells you lonely life can be. Sitting in my room writing this hold back tears. The weight of not just my friends not caring about me, but I don’t even care about myself. It is so hard to care for myself when I don’t even feel worth it. I am not worth for anyone else in my life, Why am I worth it for myself?