Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

The power a crush has on me. The way I am addicted to the game of chasing after him. Do I just need to win love? I realize I have Limerence from deep within.   I want to earn his affection.  Is it really a crush?  Do I just want to prove to myself that I can catch him? Having him pick me would feel like such a rush.  I want to prove that I can be loved.  I want to be loved for more than my body but for my thoughts and my voice.  I need one guy to prove me wrong. To show me I am his choice. But right now I’m just losing left and right. Ghosting me and leaving me high and dry.  I wonder what makes me so unlovable?  Maybe one day I can find out why.

  I need to snap out of it.   I feel productive and want more for myself.  But I lay in bed in this daze. I can’t get up. I can’t believe the sun has set.  I’m still lying in bed. At one point I just starred at the wall.  What am I doing here? Is this what my life has become? Just existing. I don’t want anything anymore.  I just let the days pass by.  I’ve lost my ambition. I’ve lost my hope.  I’ve lost myself.  If you need me, I’ll be lying here. 

  I wish people could feel for a second the loathing I have for myself.   I lay awake at night figuring out what’s wrong with me.  It spirals into anxiety.  I have the perfect cocktail of anxiety and depression.  “Your music is always so sad”  I mean I listen to music that I can feel.  These songs I blast and sing in my car. They are better at understanding me than any of my friends ever will.  I wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I could be happier than I let on.  I wish people could understand the way that I feel.  But for now I’ll just listen to the sad songs. 

I feel defeated  every time I try I always get depleted If I could change my life, I would delete it.  Just so I can try again and beat it.  I feel like everyday it never works out. I drop one thing and it makes me shout.  I hate my life and I cry and pout. Is this really what my life is about?

  I think I was caught up in the idea of you. Spending time together just us two. I came up with these scenarios in my head. While we would hang out in your bed.  I made you this person that I know you’re not. We would be perfect together or so I thought. Now looking back at the time spent. I was just the friend who helped you out when you couldn’t pay rent.  I was never the girl who had a chance.  We are just friends who sing in the car and dance.  Our friendship is messy because we know how I feel about you.  I know it’s tough because you don’t know what to do.  I believe you when I say you’re not interested in me. But that idea in my head thinks one day we will be.  I know it is idiotic for me to feel this way.  But the idea I had of you, made me excited to see you everyday. 

  Sitting alone with my thoughts Does anyone care as much as I do?  Does anyone think about me the way I think about them? This is why I write these thoughts down with my pen.  It scares me how alone I can feel. Constantly thinking if any of my friends are even real. If they go out will I be invited too? People pleasing can really drain you. I know people have anxiety and depression, People don’t see that I have it too.  “You’re always so happy and friendly” They just don’t see that I hide it better than most people do. 

I know my place in the world, I’m the fun friend. Always happy and you can rely on me.  I’ll always get you a present for your birthday.  I can cheer you up instantly.  I’m the side character. Quirky and sassy.  I have the best dialogue. I’m quick witted and you’re always surprised with what I say next. I’m a good time when we go out for drinks.  I respond to your texts right away.  But no one ever thinks about me.  I text first and if I don’t I won’t hear from you for days or weeks. I become the forgotten friend.  The side character doesn’t have people talking to them first.  I plan everything for you, so you have your main character moment.  I have to plan my main characters moments, but you probably won’t show up for them.  Because I will never be the lead.  I just exist so you can have your moment in the spot light. I am just standing in the wings, cheering you on in the dark. 

  Will I escape the labyrinth of my mind?   My thoughts and feelings intertwine.  The hardest part of the race, is myself.  I keep hitting dead ends screaming for help.  Being lost in my mind is a scary place.  Can I find my way out and get out of the race?  Is there even an exit in here, or am I just trapped inside.  When it becomes too much I just sit here and hide.  Can I escape all the thoughts that are pouring into my mind?  When will I stop hating myself and start to be kind? Is this labyrinth even a maze at all?  Or is it just a garden and my mind is stuck in a season of fall?  I keep going around and around again.  I want this nightmare to end.  There is always an easy way out of here.  But it’s probably my biggest fear. What if I turn this maze in my head To a beautiful garden with flowers instead? Watering myself every day. Slowly working hard at taking the pain away.  Allowing others to be in this...

Maybe I’m not worthy of love. I constantly wonder this. I wonder if it’s just me? Whenever I feel like things are going well, They always leave me for someone else.  I sit and think to myself what do they have that I don’t? I now want to prove to myself that I can be loved. Maybe I’m unlovable.  Destined to be alone.  Because the only common factor with all these men, is me.  What do I do wrong? What is wrong with me?  Too fat, not pretty? Not funny, not romantic? Is it my personality?  Friendzoned constantly.  We get closer and then they run.  I should be a magician because I’m good at making men disappear.  I hate that I think of myself in this way. But with a track record like mine  It’s impossible to not think that I’m the problem

  I need to stop giving do-overs   To people who treat me like left overs.  Am I even interested? Or is it just the attention that you give.  I desperately want to be seen. I want the romance and everything in between.  I see the potential in what we could be.  But you only call me when you’re feeling lonely. I am a placeholder for when you’re between girls.  I will never be your whole world.  Every time you call I think you’ve changed your mind.  And I just keep forgiving you time after time.  I need to stop giving into you whenever you call.  Because I know you don’t want me even a little bit, you don’t want me at all. 

  I question my worth everyday. Which I know people will say be comfortable with yourself.  But I feel this way because I am.  I know I’m a good person and I am happy with the person I have become. I still am constantly working on myself. Because no one is perfect and I know I am far from it.  But when I see my friends that are in relationships and married. I look around and think about how to every guy I have had a connection with, I’ve never been good enough for them. Any of them.  There is always a flaw with them. Which is what they tell me. Emotionally unavailable, another girl came along, “I think we are better as friends”. But it’s not them at all, it is me.  I will never be good enough for you.  No matter how hard I try. I’ve given up trying to be the best girl for a guy. I have spent years focusing on myself.  That’s when the right one is supposed to come along, right? well it still hasn’t happened.  I have so much love to give. ...