Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  I’ve always wanted a boyfriend around Christmas time I had one once but things were far from fine Complained about presents and how much time I spent with the family I even bought my own presents for myself while he gave me the money  I always had these dreams of having a Christmas love  Like the movies we all watch and the songs with turtle doves  I think what I really want deep down inside  Is for a guy to just love me and not waste my time Because Christmas is a magical time and it’s never really about the presents  The real spirit of the holidays is spending time with friends, siblings, and parents I just once would like to share it with a special guy One day he will look at me and tell everyone that she’s mine 

  Everybody loves music It’s something we all enjoy  Music is for everyone  Non-binary, girls, and boys. Music is something that can bring you together when you are apart. Music is powerful enough to fix your broken heart. Music can help you express your feelings when you can’t figure what to say. Music is my favorite thing about my drive to work the second I hit play. Songs can bring all kinds of people together. It’s crazy how we will listen to it live and doesn’t matter in what kind of weather.  Music is so beautiful even though we don’t all like the same taste.  Can you imagine a film without music? That would be a waste.  I think music is the most powerful thing in this life. Because it can help us when we are dealing with all of our strife.

  I don’t understand…. I don’t understand how we talked so much and you asked me “what are we doing here?” I always said it’s up to you because you know where I am.  It’s confusing to me that we would kiss and hold hands  You didn’t want me to fall for you But why would you treat me like I was fitting into your plans  You always slipped and told me you loved me.  I really thought I was your girlfriend to be The guys would tell me how happy I made you.  You even saved the gift bag for the present because of the sentimental value. Sentimental value?  That’s really funny  I think you just thought of me as a sexual little bunny. That night we spent and you kept questioning if I was your girlfriend now? I said that’s up to you.  But maybe I should have been more assertive because now my heart is split in two. Because maybe if I was honest and said how much you made me happy  You wouldn’t be with this other girl and I wouldn’t be writing poems...

  Do you ever miss talking to me? Sitting in your apartment with her?  The way I followed all of your rules And I still ended up getting hurt. The way we all still tried to remain friends But she had more cruel intentions. Gaslighting me into thinking I’m to blame Stealing my friend too and that was a shame. People all tell me that it’s probably all just jealousy. But maybe the way she acts is hatred and that’s all it could be. It’s sad because I felt like we actually got along. Now I’m at work being talked about like a catchy summer song  It’s sad because you and I had a strong connection  You worked on me and broke my walls and did all of the construction Do you ever think about how things were at the start of summer.  Now it’s almost Christmas time and we act like we don’t even know each other. 

  You told me you are bad at texting back   Which I stupidly believed  Because it takes 5 seconds to text someone  But you are just trying to deceive Because the reason you wanted me to not text you is really easy to see You were spending time talking to the girl that wasn’t me Texting you probably made her question who is that girl on the phone  That’s the only reason you wanted me to leave you alone  Because if you can go days without texting a girl you supposedly are into  It’s just a lie you made up to decide which girl is the one for you

  “Don’t give up on guys   Everyone lies” The voice memo you sent me to help me get through  You’re always the guy that’s here for me after everything I’ve been through  It’s funny to think you were my first “boyfriend” And we stayed friends all these years  You’re the one who sees me ugly cry and wipes away my tears  You always have a special place in my heart  Even though we are always apart  I love when you’re in town and we have our meet ups  I know we dated in 7th grade but man did I screw that up You are literally the best person I can’t believe I fumbled  And now I’m trying to talk to these guys I find on bumble  You are always the blue print for how I want a guy to treat me  I know we will always just be friends because that’s how you see me Our friendship is too important and I would never want to ruin it Sometimes though I wonder if you ever think about us, even just a little bit?  

  I miss talking to you   I know it sounds stupid but it’s true  Talking to you was so easy to do We would talk for hours but it felt like minutes  When something happens I go to calling you within seconds But then I remember that I can’t do that any more  I hate not being able to tell you about my day at work  Talking to you was easy because being your friend first was the perk  But now our friendship is starting to fall apart  I keep wanting to talk to you but I just don’t think that would be smart  I never wanted you to be angry with me All I ever wanted was to talk to you and have your attention, why can’t you see? I do miss talking to you about everything that’s going on  Do you miss talking with me on the phone until it’s dawn?

  It’s weird to date someone for so many years   And all you think about is all of the tears  The way we’ve been broken up and you still have me in this chokehold  The way I get triggered when I’m with other guys and I just fold  You’re always in my head putting me in self doubt  The way you belittled me and always looked down  Memories with you are basically blocked out of my mind  I hate how you tortured me and I was always so kind  You messed up my mind and made me think I am the issue  This is why I self destruct in every relationship that I’ve been through  I hate how much you haunt me Even when you’re not around  The thought of you showing up scares me  And that makes me feel down  I feel like people will never understand me  Because they will never get why  It wasn’t my heart that you broke  What you broke was my mind. 

  It would be easier if you kept treating me the same   Just a hook up between friends and we keep it civil and tame  But then we connected and started talking to each other more  We started to understand each others background and learning our lore  Our first kiss was so anticipated and a game of who would do it first  I remember you grabbing my face and thinking I hope this isn’t for the worst  We would kiss and hold each other after work most nights  Which makes me sad that I feel like now we are in this forever fight  The way you broke my walls down and made me feel seen  But then you decide to go after another girl and just leaving me be  It’s really upsetting because we both shared our hearts  But I feel like I was used by you and it’s made me fall apart  You say to me you were worried I would get attached  But I think we both were attached and that’s the thing that’s bad  I don’t understand how you could j...

  Hell have no fury like a woman scorned   That’s what Shakespeare said  I believe it is true But at some point I am just done with you I can cry, scream, and shout  Make a scene and tell you my doubts  Will it change how everything has played out?  All the worlds a stage  My script for this play is my rage  To be or not to be? That is the question Shakespeare always spoke to me with so much passion  Though she may be but little she is fierce  But sometimes being silent is the only way you can get through  I will never understand Romeo and Juliet because Romeo was just a player too. My love life is like a tragedy, you should just call me lady Macbeth  Because the way my heart has been broken I am just a play about death.

  I think you’re a coward   You stand there and act all tough  Guys are all scared of you  You go to the gym and get all buff But love scares you You cower in fear  Because right when we were good You were nowhere near  The thought of being with me terrifies you But why? I do not know because you have this imagine of how your life should go I don’t fit the idea of what you have in your head You would rather leave me and be with her instead  I bet you don’t talk the way we used to I bet she doesn’t understand the way you tick like I do.   You’re scared of how much you fell for me I am sorry you feel that way. I may not fit into this fantasy you came up with in your head  But babe you fell in love me instead  I know you hate it and it makes you so mad.  Do your caveman grunts and pretend to not be sad.  But you’re a coward for using me and throwing me away.  The fact I had to sit you down just for you to tell me you wer...

  Situationship is a new word that came around the last few years   It’s a word I hate because it usually ends with lots of tears It’s a dumb word for people who like you and they can’t commit  The way they make you fall in love and make you sick to your stomach  You feel like you’re in a relationship but god forbid you’re their girlfriend  Why would you put a label on it because we are only just friends  Friends who talk, and kiss, and do more than any friends should do  What do you do when they slip and tell you they love you  Do you say it back to make them stay  But you’re not even sure you feel that way  Because if you can’t label us and make it a relationship  How can you say I love you that quick? We act like a couple and everyone thinks we are dating  But you’re so quick to say we are just friends and you have me sitting and waiting  It’s probably my fault because I let my guard down  Now I feel like I’m sinki...