Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  Somehow I am not enough   But I am also too much  Enough to be lusted after  But not enough to be loved Sitting in my silence  My thoughts are the loudest  Do my friends even like me Is everyone against me My goals are out of reach  I’m unmotivated to do anything  I sit and sit in the silence of my room wondering what’s wrong with me I fear no one actually likes me They feel bad for me  Invite me out to bars out of pity  Surrounded by people and feeling alone I know I’m a nuisance I hear myself talking and hating how I sound  No one cares what I’m saying  But the word vomit never stops  I annoy everyone around me They’re tired of me, I can tell  I want to throw my phone away  Just disappear from everyone  I think they would be happier  If I were to vanish without a trace No one would even notice I’m gone  They would have peace and quiet once I’m out of the way 

  Sometimes I wonder if I’m unlovable   I think I’m just not want a man likes.  They will sleep with me and kiss me Let their egos get filled with my attention  After they take it all in  I’m out of their minds and ignore me They throw me aside like a used tissue I was never anything to them but a toy  My love and emotions mean nothing to them  I’m the filler until the girl they want is available  I’m a living, breathing doll for them.  It’s not always sensual  They just like the attention from a lover girl.  A big heart with big gestures. Doing things a girl has never done for them before. Showing them a true kind of love to experience Then they realize they are starting to fall for me. How embarrassing that must be. Because who actually wants to be seen dating a girl like me.

  You like me but don’t want to lose me That’s why we are better as friends  Friends don’t know how you taste.  But w e are just friends.   It’s better to be friends Even though we have enough chemistry to make a lab explode. Friends who constantly check each other out. Friends who know what we look like without wearing clothes.  The type of friends who giggle at stupid jokes and can be our true selves .  The friends who can find any excuse to go out for a couple of drinks.  Friends who worry about each other  “Text me when you get home” Just friends who tell each other secrets  That no one else knows.  My biggest secret is you.  Hiding it from everyone we know.  Knowing we should be together but having to just be friends.  Right person, wrong time. Do we just have trauma and we are scared to take that leap of faith?  I trust you to not break my heart. Just give me the chance to be the one to show you, not all relatio...

  I think about dying. What it would feel like.  Would it be easier to just go away.  Some days I hate myself  I feel like I would no longer be a burden Life would be easier for everyone But the anxiety and fear of gone forever Forgotten by everyone  Will anyone remember me? The vast void of nothingness  Only black  Will I even be aware?  Where do I go?  You have life and then nothing It’s all gone

I realized how insufficient I am in this world. Might be a melancholy view. But the way this planet has lived so many life times. My life time won’t make a difference to it.  I am a small strain on this earth with problems so small. What happens when I’m gone? The waves still crash, the sun will rise, the moon will glow, stars will shine.  In a few years time I’m forgotten.  Dust in the ground. 

  Maybe soulmates are a myth. I think it was told to people to give us hope. Love might not be for everyone. Or just not be for me. I hear how easy love is for friends and family.  But I’ve never experienced it. What does it feel like to be loved by someone? Is it as amazing as everyone says it is to me? Is love fake? Are we just told love exists and we will all meet the love of our lives one day.  I don’t think it’s out there.  He’s not waiting for me.  Some people say they can feel they’re out there. But I don’t feel it all. I don’t think he will be looking for me and I don’t think I will find him. I think it’s a way to help us move through life with hope in our minds of finding true happiness. Maybe I can be proven wrong.  Only time will tell.  But for now I’m a skeptic of love.

  What would happen if I didn’t text first? I didn’t send my morning Snapchat.  Didn’t send memes and videos. Will someone message me?  Will my phone be silent all day? Do I initiate every conversation I have? I have friends but would they care if I stopped talking one day? Would they even notice my absence? Funny, bubbly personality they say they love. But when I’m in pain do they reach out? Do they notice the days when I’m not talkative?  The days I am crying, hurting in bed? Would they even care if I left without a trace? Do I make an impact on their lives at all? What would happen if I was gone tomorrow? How long would it take to realize I’m gone?

  “It’s not me, it’s you.” The line people always use.  But why is it always me? The one who is hurt constantly. I fear I will be alone. I’ve never found that perfect person. Maybe, I’m suppose to end up on my own. My friends always get mad when I tell them I feel this way.  But I don’t think they understand how I’ve become comfortable with the pain.  I am familiar with my loneliness and it’s not killing me. It’s opened up my eyes for the true reality that I see.  I am a lover girl with a big heart.  But maybe it’s too big for them.  That’s why after I’m the one in tears falling apart. I wonder what’s wrong with me all of the time.  I just get sad and write down all these lines.  I don’t know anyone who truly understands where my mind is at.  “Focus on yourself and the right one will come along. “ But I have focused on myself.  Focused on myself so much that I don’t know if a relationship is for me.  No one realized the thought...