Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

The drastic difference in my mental health between days is shocking. I had the energy, motivation, and drive yesterday. Today I can’t get myself to leave my room. Why do I struggle with wanting to what’s best for me. Do I not deserve it. Maybe I think I can’t do it. Why do I feel like I have no real friends. I feel like no one has time for me anymore. There is no one in my life who cares about me. That is what my mind is telling me. Yesterday I said who cares work on myself. Today I can’t even bring myself to do that. No one tells you lonely life can be. Sitting in my room writing this hold back tears. The weight of not just my friends not caring about me, but I don’t even care about myself. It is so hard to care for myself when I don’t even feel worth it. I am not worth for anyone else in my life, Why am I worth it for myself?

  It’s 1:40am I just want to talk to you.  Like how we used to be.  I look at the chat and I’m doing all the talking. One word responses.  Dry responses. It hurts me. It hurts a lot. You don’t want me to assume how you feel. But I can’t help but assume in the way talk to me now. You don’t want me to assume but you assumed about me too.  You think I only want to be with you because of physical attraction. I want to be with you because I’ve never felt deeply about someone like this before. I want to be with you because I see a future with you.  You can think whatever you want about me. The long message I sent to you wasn’t a lie. I don’t know if it scared you to see I started falling for you.  Maybe you’re not ready for that yet.  But I was ready to give you my all.  But now it’s 1:40am and you told me good night. And I’m in my bed crying and I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight. 

  I feel like I’m trying to climb out this hole that I threw myself into. And I’m fighting for my life trying to claims up it to get to you. Instead of giving me your hand, you’re slowly closing the hole up. It’s getting darker.  It’s harder to see you up there. I’m grasping onto who you used to be with me. I’m climbing faster but the dirt is getting heavier and heavier to get through. There’s very little light left and it’s hard to keep moving forward. I can see you looking down at me and I try to ask for your help. But I realize you’ve closed the book on what we could be. Now I know I’m buried here in your mind.  I won’t be able to break free. 

  If I died today, how many people would show up to my funeral? Who would be too busy? Who would actually make the time? Because they can’t make time while I’m alive? Can you make the time when I’m dead? Will you show up for me? Would you want to talk to me more once I’m gone? Will I just be forgotten like I already am while I’m here breathing.  You will no longer have to feel bad for me. You won’t have to tolerate me anymore.  You won’t have to feel bad for me.  I know I’m your charity case.  You feel sorry for how alone I am. But if a better plan comes up, I will be the cancelled plan.  But I’m not the one worth cancelling plans for.  My birthday will be forgotten. Since you can’t be bothered to celebrate it when I’m here.  I will just be an after thought.  A distant memory you might have.  Will you remember me when you’re old and talking about your past? I will just be that girl you once knew. The name you’ve forgotten.  The Jane...

  I still stand by what I said. I know my feelings for you. You are denying what could be great.  I think you’re scared.  I know the connection we have.  You cannot fake that kind of chemistry. We are good for each other if you just allow us to grow and thrive.  But you’re ready to give up on us. Push me away. I was going to allow it and disappear.  But I’m tired of giving up and allowing you to run away. I am here for you when you are ready.  When you can acknowledge what we have is real. Pushing me away won’t work this time. I am yours. 

I thought out of all the guys, You wouldn’t be the one to hurt me. I thought you were different. I was ready to give you my heart and the key. I started taking my walls down slowly. Maybe you didn’t notice the change with me. I was trying to let you in. But you got me in bed and I guess you win. I really thought you wouldn’t be like the other guys. But here I am writing about you with tears in my eyes. Two days after we have this amazing time. You tell me you don’t want to keep on trying. I am realizing now that it might of always been you. But when we just started its already through.   I sit here thinking of the potential we could have had. Now I am just sitting here in bed, crying, and sad.