Inner Monologue of a Yearning Blonde

  It’s 1:40am I just want to talk to you.  Like how we used to be.  I look at the chat and I’m doing all the talking. One word responses.  Dry responses. It hurts me. It hurts a lot. You don’t want me to assume how you feel. But I can’t help but assume in the way talk to me now. You don’t want me to assume but you assumed about me too.  You think I only want to be with you because of physical attraction. I want to be with you because I’ve never felt deeply about someone like this before. I want to be with you because I see a future with you.  You can think whatever you want about me. The long message I sent to you wasn’t a lie. I don’t know if it scared you to see I started falling for you.  Maybe you’re not ready for that yet.  But I was ready to give you my all.  But now it’s 1:40am and you told me good night. And I’m in my bed crying and I will probably cry myself to sleep tonight. 

  I feel like I’m trying to climb out this hole that I threw myself into. And I’m fighting for my life trying to claims up it to get to you. Instead of giving me your hand, you’re slowly closing the hole up. It’s getting darker.  It’s harder to see you up there. I’m grasping onto who you used to be with me. I’m climbing faster but the dirt is getting heavier and heavier to get through. There’s very little light left and it’s hard to keep moving forward. I can see you looking down at me and I try to ask for your help. But I realize you’ve closed the book on what we could be. Now I know I’m buried here in your mind.  I won’t be able to break free. 

  If I died today, how many people would show up to my funeral? Who would be too busy? Who would actually make the time? Because they can’t make time while I’m alive? Can you make the time when I’m dead? Will you show up for me? Would you want to talk to me more once I’m gone? Will I just be forgotten like I already am while I’m here breathing.  You will no longer have to feel bad for me. You won’t have to tolerate me anymore.  You won’t have to feel bad for me.  I know I’m your charity case.  You feel sorry for how alone I am. But if a better plan comes up, I will be the cancelled plan.  But I’m not the one worth cancelling plans for.  My birthday will be forgotten. Since you can’t be bothered to celebrate it when I’m here.  I will just be an after thought.  A distant memory you might have.  Will you remember me when you’re old and talking about your past? I will just be that girl you once knew. The name you’ve forgotten.  The Jane...

  I still stand by what I said. I know my feelings for you. You are denying what could be great.  I think you’re scared.  I know the connection we have.  You cannot fake that kind of chemistry. We are good for each other if you just allow us to grow and thrive.  But you’re ready to give up on us. Push me away. I was going to allow it and disappear.  But I’m tired of giving up and allowing you to run away. I am here for you when you are ready.  When you can acknowledge what we have is real. Pushing me away won’t work this time. I am yours. 

I thought out of all the guys, You wouldn’t be the one to hurt me. I thought you were different. I was ready to give you my heart and the key. I started taking my walls down slowly. Maybe you didn’t notice the change with me. I was trying to let you in. But you got me in bed and I guess you win. I really thought you wouldn’t be like the other guys. But here I am writing about you with tears in my eyes. Two days after we have this amazing time. You tell me you don’t want to keep on trying. I am realizing now that it might of always been you. But when we just started its already through.   I sit here thinking of the potential we could have had. Now I am just sitting here in bed, crying, and sad.

Why didn’t you try? I did. I tried to change and do everything you said for me to do for us to try. I asked for one thing.   The second I ask you, you call it all off. Am I not worth trying for? I wasn’t even asking you to change who you are as a person. I just wanted you to want to talk to me. You shouldn’t want to text or call me during the day. I don’t mean text me all day long. But going a whole day no contact? Especially for the girl you apparently have a crush on? You can’t wake up and text good morning or text me good night? I want someone who would go crazy not hearing from me at all.   24 hours no contact with not explanation to why we are not talking. That’s not love. I know I self sabotage but I feel like it wasn’t asking for much? Was it too much? To ask the man you want to date to want to talk to you during the day? Is this how men are now? I’m not worth even trying it out for a week? Calling it quits when I call out one simple thing you can fix? I just want you t...

You made me have hope for love again, Within the same month you made me lose that hope again.   I thought you would be the one that changed my views for the better.   Now I realize you were just like all of the other guys I’ve been with.   I always thought it would be different with us, with the history and chemistry we have. You made me believe it could be the real thing. Turns out I’m just a gullible girl, a hopeless romantic who believed it could finally happen for me. My life isn’t a romance though.   It will never be one.   Not everyone has a partner out there.  I think that’s all a lie. I’m just an unlucky girl who keeps looking but there’s not someone out there for me.   My hope is lost now. I think it actually died today.   I just have to accept that love isn’t for everyone, especially for me.  

I felt my spark dying.   But for you it was clinging on.   The spark was getting brighter.   You helped me shine.   But pattern always repeat.   And that spark started to become dull. The girl who was just happy to say good morning to you.   Now has to try to ignore you.   I have to dull my spark again.   To be palatable for you.   You were the one I thought who liked me for who I am.   But just like always, it’s never true.  

  I’m sorry for being me.   I know I am a lot to handle.   I’ve never fully healed.   I get anxious when you don’t respond. I overthink but I also over love. I feel deeply.   I am a mess.   I oils do anything for those I care about. I need the attention. I need the reassurance.   I would give you my whole heart.   I trust too much. I would change for you. I can accept my flaws. I know I’m far from perfect.   I give out too many chances. I would work on myself more for you. I would go the extra mile. I would do anything to make you happy. I feel too much.   I cry too much.   I think of every outcome. I have avoidant tendencies. I will self sabotage. I hurt myself before you can hurt me.   I insult myself before you can.   I mess up everything. Because I know I can’t be happy.   Because when I am happy, I know something will go wrong. Because I know when I truly myself